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Brads Column

12/11/05

I rarely remember dreams, and when I do, it's generally just short little clips and bits. However the dream i had before waking today i remember from start to finish, and i feel that everyone should know about it.
here goes:

While putzing around my apartment i found a secret button on the half wall between the entranceway and kitchen, and i pressed it. The wall behind me dissolved and yielded the secret part of the apartment, which contained the master bathroom, and i thought to myself "Huh, London must shower after all and do it in here" (i have since remembered that he just doesn't shower). I was checking out the bathroom and the large room beyond it when i noticed a really hot girl wrapped in a towel leave through a door that looked like it went outside, even though im on the second floor.

i exited my apartment through the conventional door and found myself in the mansion of a really old rich guy, and i began conversing with his young wife, who told me how rich he was, and showed me a receipt from that morning where she had spent over 5000 dollars in one store. She decided that since I was so short on money she would take me shopping with her husbands credit card. We were immediately transported to the store, which was in a veritable sea of concrete, being surrounded by a parking lot that stretched as far as the eye could see. We entered the store and the gold digger turned into Chris Olm. The store was a mix of a really cool clothes shop, a best buy and a candy store.

After spending much time deliberating on what to get, we left the store and found ourselves face to face with a raging river. Chris knew what to do, naturally, and he inflated 2 loveseat sized zeppelins (mine was purple) and we flew graciously over the river.

we landed at Chris's house, which was Courtney Payne's house on the outside, and Bo McCready's grandma's house on the inside. Chris walked inside and i noticed i was naked. I deflated the zeppelin and held it over my front and walked in, and found that there was a surprised birthday party for Chris. everyone was happy until Chris made a really bad joke that no one got, and i had to explain it to his family because they thought he was insulting his grandmother.

then I woke up.

10/10/05

Many a year ago, while camping up north, I stopped into an old favorite hang out of the teens that inhabited the area, a lakeside snack shop that I knew to have a very reasonable price on fried cheese curds, an item that I, along with many of my friends have a never-ending craving for. Upon receiving my curds and exchanging an ample amount of currency with the cashier, I, along with the similarly aged comrades I had spent the day with began to venture with our snacks to the picnic table at the edge of the lake. A stately young man whom I head met just hours earlier and who proved to be quite adept at the gentlemen's sport of ulitmate frisbee held the door open while the rest of our troupe filed through it. However I tarried as a jar at the condiments table caught my eye. "Hunn's Hot Sandwich Slices" it proclaimed in elegant yet strong letters across its paper label. I peered into the jar and to my surprise found a numerous cross-sections of dill pickle, cut lengthways. Slowly I reached in two of my nimble fingers and fished out a solitary slice. As it was several inches long and would not have easily fit into my mouth as it came into my possession, I promptly folded it in half and placed it upon my tongue. I chewed and swallowed the curious creation, which tasted as any other dill pickle, albeit a very good one, however, once the concoction had slid down my gizzard, greatly to my enjoyment, an spiciness of immense proportions filled my mouth. I rejoiced in the fullest and praised this Hunn for creating something that combines two of my favorite aspects of eating into one glorious invention. For the remainder of my stay, I returned almost hourly to eat a hot sandwich slice and made plans to purchase many for my own use upon returning home. Woe befell me when I discovered, upon my return, that none of the grocers in my region carried nor had heard of the products of the most wonderful Hunn. For years I scoured every new store that I encountered, to no avail. However, almost a year after giving up the ghost I moved to my current residence and absent mindedly began browsing the shelves of the local grocer. I scanned the pickle shelf for who could give me the best deal on a jar of dill pickles, when lo and behold a familiar label caught my eye! Hunn had returned to me, though the hot sandwich slices were nowhere to be found. Alas, but every closed door opens a window as I spied a jar of hot baby dills. Assuredly, they are not at all my original quarry, however they proved to be a manly pickle none-the-less.

12/03/04

One thing I really hate is when you see the face of someone you know was pooping in the bathroom. Let me clarify. You walk into the bathroom and start to pee, but you can hear the background noises coming from the stall behind you. The farting, the splashing, these are noises I never want to associate with an image. The pooper should definitely remain in the toilet stall until all other persons, minus those waiting to use said stall, have exited the bathroom. Please observe this etiquette from now on.

10/04/04

Top 10 Ways to Die

10. Bulldozer. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.
9. Being castrated and not allowed to put pressure on wound, bleeding to death from the remnant of your penis.
8. Being aborted*
7. Being run over by a Ferrari.
6. Choking on a fish bone after you ate that potentially life-saving hunk of bread.
5. Drinking Dr. Pepper incessantly till you develop diabetes and die from high sugar count.
4. Going to the doctor for appendectomy, but the doctor mistakenly removes all your limbs and you die of starvation because your helper monkey is too hopped up on cocaine to feed you.
3. Being punched to death by the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse.
2. Paper cutting your neck until you are decapitated.
1. Being eaten by an ocelot.

*Note: This death only applies to fetuses.